As heard at New Covenant Fellowship on Sunday, May 4, 2008.

 

 Keeping the sizzle alive in your relationship [48:34m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

As heard at New Covenant Fellowship on Sunday, May 4, 2008.

 

 Keeping the sizzle alive in your relationship - vow renewal [3:15m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

As heard at New Covenant Fellowship on Sunday, May 4, 2008.

 

 Keeping the sizzle alive in your relationship - sketch [6:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Every time Tammy and I sit down to talk with an individual or a couple who is having marital issues, it will fall into one of five troubled areas. Today let’s explore a little more deeply each of these areas:

#1: Communication. If you’ve ever traveled to a foreign country you have experienced “A failure to communicate”. Isn’t it amazing how when we find someone who doesn’t speak our language, we think if we talk slower, they will understand, or if we yell at them they will comprehend what we are trying to say!

Marriage is so much like living in a foreign country! Each of us speaks a different language, women from their emotions generally speaking, and men from their troglodyte, primitive guttural noises. We basically speak in code to each other hoping that our mate will understand what it is that we are trying to say, without actually having to explain our needy and selfish behavior.

Fear is what keeps most of us from communicating effectively. We are afraid that if we say exactly what we mean, it will be too wounding to our mate, or they will interpret what we are saying as selfish or arrogant.

Anger is another issue that destroys communication. When in the heat of the moment we allow our anger to dictate our words, we say things that should have been filtered and most likely discarded before they ever became “outside” words! Or our emotions skew our true feelings and we blabber about things that really are trivial.

Words are powerful things, they either build up our mates or blow up our mates. When you desire to communicate clearly and effectively to our mate consider this advice:

Avoid rambling and incessant talking. “Where words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” Proverbs 10:19.

Think just a little bit before you speak. “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

Be considerate and other’s oriented. “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply–and how good is a timely word.” Proverbs 15:23 Or, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Give grace to the mate who just exploded on you. “Do not pay attention to every word people say…for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.” Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

One of the most effective means of communicating with each other is when we have created a safe environment for our mates to have open, transparent dialog with us. it is so important that we understand that the person that we are married to, truly is our greatest help in becoming the person we want to be, give them the freedom to speak into your life.

Word pictures help communicate our hearts. The old adage, a picture is worth a thousand words is true when trying to help your mate understand where you are coming from. Learn how to relate to each other this way, it will save you a lot of grief.

Lastly, keep asking for clarification. Make sure you understand exactly what it is that your mate just said. don’t assume that you got it the first time.

All of this takes time, hang in there it is worth it!

As heard at New Covenant Fellowship on Sunday, April 27, 2008.

 

 Fight Club [48:11m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

If you have read the last few blogs on personalities, then you should better understand why you do what you do, and how your mate is different than you. Remember…”Different is wrong, it’s simply different!” We will continue exploring how with our different personalities we can keep natural conflict to a minimum.

It is important to understand that much of the conflict in marriage is a result of us just being “us”! This happens because all of us simply choose to view our mate through our on “personality filter”.

HOW LION’S CREATE TENSION: If you are a Lion married to a Lion…well we’re in for a few battles. Your tendency to over-control situations, may reduce their need for freedom and their ability to control the situations. Now a Lion married to an Otter…Your concern for bottom line results without the need to provide fun and motivation will create tension. A Lion married to a Golden Retriever…The fact that during the discussion you don’t take enough time to listen will feel to them that you value time & solutions to relationship. A Lion married to a Beaver…you will be perceived as being to quick to make decisions without being thorough with understanding the facts.

Now a few things for you Lions to work on: Learn to listen without interrupting or showing impatience. Be a little more sensitive to people and their feelings. Be more expressive emotionally, open up a little more and be more flexible with others.

Under Stress The LION’S Tendencies will be: To become dictatorial, demanding, angry, tense and direct. You will see your opponent as Weak, indecisive, lazy, undisciplined. You need to: Back off, seek peace, breathe, be patient and sensitive.

HOW OTTERS CREATE TENSION: If you are an Otter married to a Lion…you will be seen as emotional and more concerned with people’s feelings rather than results. Now an Otter married to an Otter…Wow, you will be competing for the stage that your mate perceives as theirs. And most likely you will be arguing over why you have no money. If you are an Otter married to A Golden Retriever…Your lack of depth in relationships as well as your quick pace of life will frustrate. An Otter married to a Beaver…Your lack of rule-keeping as well as lack of attention to detail and your impulsive way of life will frustrate them.

Now a few things for you Otters to work on: Learn to be a little more results oriented. Lower the volume both in speech and emotion. Be slower to share your dreams and visions long enough to actually think through the results of such a dream. Try breathing between sentences to create opportunities for others to say something.

Under Stress the OTTER’S Tendencies will be: To become emotional, immature, overly optimistic, irrational and wordy. You will see your opponent as slow, pessimistic, unenthusiastic, distrusting and too uptight. You need to: Listen logically to what is being said, control your emotions, be more detail oriented and disciplined.

HOW GOLDEN RETRIEVERS CREATE TENSION: If you are a Golden Retriever married to a Lion…Your seemingly constant need to engage in small talk will frustrate as well as your slowness to jump on board with their decisions. A Golden Retriever married to an Otter…They will be wondering why you can’t seem to hurry up and/or keep up with them in conversation and life. A Golden Retriever married to a Golden Retriever…Well while you will engage in great small talk and be very content to stay at home, one of you will frustrate the other due to no one initiating needed change and growth. A Golden Retriever married to a Beaver…While they can enjoy the slow pace of life, they will become annoyed at your lack of attention to quality.

Now a few things for you Golden Retrievers to work on: Learn to keep all of your emotions off of your sleeve. don’t take what others say so personally. Be a little more focused on the task at hand and see if you can pick up the pace just a little bit! Realize that it is OK to say “No” and that you really can initiate some of the ideas.

Under Stress the GOLDEN RETRIEVER’S Tendencies will be: To become a doormat, insecure in your position, fearful, withdrawn and overly sympathetic. You will see your opponent as pushy, unstable, angry, disloyal, insensitive, unfair and prideful. You need to: Be strong and courageous. Learn to speak up and assert yourself. Work on showing more enthusiasm. And recognize that challenging your mate is not being disloyal.

HOW BEAVERS CREATE TENSION: If you are a Beaver married to a Lion…Your slowness of life and your allowing rules to overturn their decisions will frustrate. If you are a Beaver married to an Otter…They will grow weary of rules, rules, rules…and your perfectionist obsession. If you are a Beaver married to a Golden Retriever...They will become frustrated because you refuse to move away from task, long enough to share your feelings on the matter. If you are a Beaver married to a Beaver…while everything will be quality this will be a battle over who is more right!

Now a few things for you Beavers to work on: Try to respond a little quicker to life. Know that it is OK to trust your gut instinct without consulting every available option. Develop some relationships with people especially your mate.

Under Stress the BEAVER’S Tendencies will be: To become moody, critical and overly negative. You will worry and over-analyze. You will see your opponent as incompetent, disorganized and foolish. You will also see them as disengenuine, dishonest and inaccurate. You need to: Loosen up a little bit…no a lot! Communicate your feelings not just the facts. Work on being joyful, trusting, positive and tolerant.

Let’s continue the journey of exploring our unique personalities by taking a look at the BEAVER. (you might want to look at the blog entitled “I married an Animal…” to refresh you on the subject.) The Beaver is introverted and task driven. For the sake of brevity we will in this blog stick simply to giving snapshots of a variety of levels.

BASIC MOTIVATION: They love quality, preciseness and accuracy.

GENERAL TENDENCIES: They look for and pay attention to details and standards. They tune in to key directives and quality control. They think critically checking for accuracy. They love to work under known conditions and environments. They are never happy with their own performance. They are rule keepers complying with rules and laws, seeing policy as law. They are usually artistic and have a measure of depth to their thinking.

WORKS BEST WITH OTHERS WHEN: They are given a clearly defined task. They perform best in a secure, stable job. Sudden changes are frowned upon by them especially until they can be assured of quality control. These are not risk takers…ever. They function at the top of their game when they are given a task requiring precision and planning.

RESPONDS BEST TO OTHERS WHO: They need people who provide reassurance. They love for others to give and maintain a good measure of support. They respond best when they are details and standards are spelled out, preferably in writing. They love to have an open door policy with those they associate with.

NEEDS OTHERS WHO: They need others who will delegate the important tasks. They need a few rule-breakers in their life, who see policies as only guidelines. They will need others to make quick decisions. The Beaver is unable to make decisions out of fear of a lack of quality. They will need others to state unpopular positions and beliefs. Others will have to engage in compromise with the opposition. They need others who will do the upfront, high-energy jobs and lastly they should surround themselves with those who are able to see things simply.

HELP FOR LIVING WITH A BEAVER: You need to realize that they tend to be pessimistic and negative. Avoid telling them that their problems are stupid and silly. Know that they will need lots of times of quiet. These people love schedules so keep a reasonable family schedule. Watch for signs of depression and get them active.

When you are trying to RELATE to your BEAVER…BE ANALYTICAL and ACCURATE. Assure them that you are being objective and give them your analysis. Be sure to give them facts and provide details. Express appreciation for the quality of their work and give them time to do things the correct way.

When trying to PERSUADE your BEAVER…ANSWER the “HOW” question. They distrust great promises fi they cannot see how it will be done. They will be convinced only with facts adn details which show step-by-step what you want them to do. Remember the important thing for them is that it is done right!

When you DISAGREE with your BEAVER…AGREE on the QUALITY NEEDED and support your objection with FACTS. Without sounding redundant, remember, they distrust great promises, great new ideas, emotional persuasion and emotionalism. The main thing that sways them is the facts.

THEIR STRONG QUALITIES TO CELEBRATE: They are often the hardest worker and you always get their best. They are careful to learn all they can about what they are planning to do. they have been endowed with a sense of high standards and excellence. They are attentive to what others say and feel.

NOW…IF YOU ARE A BEAVER You need to realize that no one likes gloominess and negativity. Work at not taking things personally. Learn to accept “imperfect” people. Don’t expect others to think just like you do. Please refrain from always looking for the “bad” in everyone and everything. Quit finding the flaws and trouble in every event or situation. Try to keep your eyes on the positives. Force yourself to talk to others. And remember, total support isn’t always possible.

Realize that while you tend to see yourself as thorough, persistent, orderly, serious and industrious…your mate may see you as slow, critical, stuffy, indecisive, picky and arrogant.

Well i hope this will get you going on better understanding where you and your mate are coming from.

Let’s continue the journey of exploring our unique personalities by taking a look at the GOLDEN RETRIEVER. (you might want to look at the blog entitled “I married an Animal…” to refresh you on the subject.) The Golden Retriever is introverted and relationally driven. For the sake of brevity we will in this blog stick simply to giving snapshots of a variety of levels.

BASIC MOTIVATION: They love deep healthy relationships and the appreciation of others.

GENERAL TENDENCIES: They are very loyal in relationships. They are usually easy-going and patient with people. They are good listeners. They are routine in their work habits and usually develop specialized skills. They like routine in their environment and are content to stay in one place. They have the unique ability to calm excited people.

WORKS BEST WITH OTHERS WHEN: They are given an area of specialization. They work best when work doesn’t interfere with their home life. They like traditional responsibilities with little to no risk involved. They thrive when they are praised for the work they have done.

RESPONDS BEST TO OTHERS WHO: They respond best to relaxed and friendly people. They need to be allowed time to adjust to change in work and/or life and plans. They need the freedom to work at their own pace. They respond best when asked “How” questions. Lastly, they respond best to others who provide personal support.

NEEDS OTHERS WHO: They need others who react quickly to sudden change. They need people who will stretch them toward challenges of the task they need to accomplish. They need others who are and can help them become involved in more than one thing. They need to be encouraged toward creativity. Others will have to apply pressure to others when it is needed. They need others who are able to delegate and who are flexible in their work procedures.

HELP FOR LIVING WITH A GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You need to realize that they need direct motivation. They will need you help them setting goals. Don’t expect lots of outward enthusiasm to your ideas and plans. They will need you to encourage them to take responsibility for certain areas. You will have to force them to make decisions, this comes especially hard for them. Be sure to be grateful for their loyalty and steady disposition.

When you are trying to RELATE to your GOLDEN RETRIEVER…BE RELATIONAL and EASY-GOING. Be low-key on objectives and don’t be too pushy or they will agree on the surface but lack the internal commitment. Be sure to express personal appreciation for who they are and for what they do.

When trying to PERSUADE your GOLDEN RETRIEVER…ANSWER the “WHY” question. Answering the “Why” question is especially important if the action will involve change. Give them time to get input from others and don’t push them with a hard sell. remember, they are relational so they will respond best to a relational approach.

When you DISAGREE with your GOLDEN RETRIEVER..take TIME and work TOGETHER with their ISSUE. Help them understand why this will help others and take the time necessary to slowly convince them that this disagreement will in no way disturb the relationship.

THEIR STRONG QUALITIES TO CELEBRATE: They take their time and do things until they’re finished and done well. They are generally relaxed and pleasant to be around. They are good listeners and compassionate and understanding. They make it a point to get along with everyone.

NOW…IF YOU ARE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER: You need to force yourself to participate in group discussions and in life in general. You will need to practice making decisions as this doesn’t come natural to you. Refuse to procrastinate in the important areas of life and to those areas that are important to others. Try something new occasionally, like dining out, or style of clothes. Work at being and sounding enthusiastic for others. Be open to new ideas, they might actually be fun. Sit down make a list of tasks and actually do it. Then spend some time to see the value of goals.

Realize that while you tend to see yourself as supportive, willing, dependable and agreeable, others may see you as conforming, awkward, dependent and exclusive.

Once again we have so much more to say on the subject as it relates to marriage. But we will wait until we have explored the other personality traits before moving into that.

Let’s continue the journey of exploring our unique personalities by taking a look at the OTTER. (you might want to look at the blog entitled “I married an Animal…” to refresh you on the subject.) The Otter is extroverted and relationally driven. For the sake of brevity we will in this blog stick simply to giving snapshots of a variety of levels.

BASIC MOTIVATION: They love the relational aspects of life and thrive on approval of others .

GENERAL TENDENCIES: They love contact with people. They seek people out and usually make good first impressions. They create a motivational environment. People feel entertained by Otters. They generate enthusiasm for their causes. They are able to verbalize issues with articulateness. They love to help others and enjoy being in a group.

WORKS BEST WITH OTHERS WHEN: They are given a visible position of recognition. They need to have freedom of expression. They need freedom from the control of others and they need freedom from details. They need time to play between and sometimes during work. They don’t like conflict and avoid it as much as possible, preferring instead to party.

RESPONDS BEST TO OTHERS WHO: They are drawn toward friendly people as well as people who are socially accepting of all types, looking out for what’s best for the whole. They respond best to others in a social environment and to those who recognize their abilities.

NEEDS OTHERS WHO: They need others who will concentrate on the task at hand. They need others who will seek out the facts and details. They need others who will see beyond first impressions and respect sincerity. Those who are able to develop systematic approaches help them greatly. They need others who prefer dealing with things instead of dealing with people. They need those who are able to demonstrate follow-through. and those who keep track of time, priorities and deadlines.

HELP FOR LIVING WITH AN OTTER: You need to realize that they like variety. Allow for flexibility in time and tasks. You will have to help them to remember appointments and to be on time. Just remember that they have difficulty in staying focused for even moderate periods of time and to stay on task. Be thankful for their carefree attitude and the humor they bring into your life.

When you are trying to RELATE to your OTTER..BE ENTHUSIASTIC and POSITIVE about their ideas. Take time to validate their self-worth, especially in front of others. Give them the feeling that they are needed, because knowing they are accepted is very important to them.

When trying to PERSUADE your OTTER…ANSWER the “WHO” question. Tell them who is going to be there, who it is that is speaking, etc. Be excited and enthused but don’t go into detail. They will be convinced if they see that it will be fun, stimulating, exciting with lots of people. They also respond to the testimonials of significant people.

When you DISAGREE with your OTTER…AGREE on the BROADER LEVEL with their IDEA. Be sure to agree with their ideas and visions quickly. Listen attentively, then wait. Allow some time to pass before you bring up objections letting them know you really want to make it a success. Otherwise they will see you as negative. Most likely if you leave them alone, they will move on to something elsethe next day anyway and forget about the original idea you disagreed with.

THEIR STRONG QUALITIES TO CELEBRATE: They are loving and really like people. Their light-heartedness is contagious and depression-lifting. They are eager to participate with you. They are positive, optimistic and creative. They have the ability to motivate you to accomplish great things and they are good at communicating to you and understanding you.

NOW…IF YOU ARE A OTTER: You need to be sensitive to other’s interests, you aren’t the only one who can lead the group to fun. Watch out for signs of boredom and suppress them so as not to offend others. You might want to try and talk half as much as you usually do. Work on learning to instill self-discipline in your life. Learn to say no, you probably won’t follow through and people will resent you for it. Try to remember people’s names, not everyone can be called, “Buddy”. Tone down the strong approach and sometimes overbearing leadership that you bring to others. Be consistent in your friendships. The goal isn’t always about collecting friends. Remember, there is such a thing as to much optimism.

Realize that while you tend to see yourself as stimulating, enthusiastic, dramatic, outgoing and personal…your mate may see you as excitable, egotistical, reactionary, manipulative and as a chatterbox.

Again, we have so much more to say on the subject as it relates to marriage. But we will wait until we have explored the other personality traits before moving into that.

Let’s begin the journey of exploring our unique personalities by taking a look at the LION. (you might want to look at the blog entitled “I married an Animal…” to refresh you on the subject.) The Lion is extroverted and task driven. For the sake of brevity we will in this blog stick simply to giving snapshots of a variety of levels.

BASIC MOTIVATION: They love to see results and embrace challenges.

GENERAL TENDENCIES: They look for immediate results. They create action…obsessed with getting things done. They make quick decisions. They will almost always challenge the status quo. They either are in charge or somewhat disengaged. They manage trouble well, are calm in a crisis and love solving problems.

WORKS BEST WITH OTHERS WHEN: They are given an area to develop or control. They need opportunity for individual accomplishments. They love new and varied tasks. They need freedom from control and supervision.

RESPONDS BEST TO OTHERS WHO: They need direct, bottom line answers. They need others to stick to the business at hand. People who pressure them motivate them. They love it when people stress logic and results.

NEEDS OTHERS WHO: They need others who will weigh the pros and cons of their decisions and who can calculate the risks involved. They need others to research facts, deliberate before deciding and someone who will urge them to explain their conclusions.

HELP FOR LIVING WITH A LION: You need to realize that they won’t be the most compassionate people in the world. You need to occasionally insist on two-way conversation. Realize that they don’t mean to hurt your feelings, they simple speak direct. Recognize that they are strong natural leaders.

When you are trying to RELATE to your LION…BE DIRECT and TO THE POINT. Start with results first, and then provide details. Don’t build up to what you are trying to say, or dwell long on side issues, or they will lose both interest and patience.

When trying to PERSUADE your LION…ANSWER the “WHAT” question. Describe the benefits and results to them first. They will be convinced only when they see how it will help them accomplish one of their goals.

When you DISAGREE with your LION…AGREE on the BROADER LEVEL with their GOAL. Then ask them why they think that their course is the best way. Provide them with alternatives and ask them to test them. Remember, they tend to be pragmatic not philosophical. They respond to better ways to get their goal accomplished in a faster way.

THEIR STRONG QUALITIES TO CELEBRATE: They set their mind on something and they go after it. They are courageous in life. They accomplish much when they decide to. They express honestly how they feel about a given situation. They are quick to respond to situations and find solutions.

NOW…IF YOU ARE A LION: You need to let others make some decisions for themselves. Try keeping your advice until someone asks you for it. You might want to tone down your approach to leading and dealing with people. Please avoid saying at every juncture, “I told you so!” Try to give compliments, other people can actually accomplish tasks also. Learn to say no, to some offers, you aren’t the savior of the world. Recognize that you aren’t indispensable, try dying and see what happens. And lastly, please, please, please try to listen to other people’s feelings.

Realize that while you tend to see yourself as decisive, independent, efficient, practical and determined…your mate may see you as harsh, pushy, dominating, severe, tough and mean.

Well we have so much more to say on the subject as it relates to marriage. But we will wait until we have explored the other personality traits before moving into that.